Even If It Breaks Your Heart
by muldy
Summary: 'It had happened somewhere around the moment the Captain had invited him on board and showed instant trust and respect for him as a fellow Captain. She hadn't ordered weapons trained on him, she hadn't told him what to do, she had treated him as her equal, with complete respect.' Janeway/Chakotay


**A/N:** A huge thank you to MiaCooper and Helen8462 for letting me steal one of their fic prompts, and a second thank you to Helen8462 for the wonderful Beta.

* * *

Year 1.

What was he, nuts?

She was a Starfleet Officer, on paper she stood for everything he hated, yet here he was, accepting a position as her First Officer.

In a Starfleet uniform he'd sworn he'd never wear again.

'Nuts' probably wasn't a strong enough word to describe that decision.

Although he wasn't sure what else he could be expected to have done. Neither crew would have made it home on their own and _Voyager_ was the larger ship. It was the logical decision to make.

'We could just take control,' B'Elanna was still rambling.

He looked up at her from the sofa where he had taken a seat what felt like a hundred years earlier, when B'Elanna had started her rant about his decision. He had to admit, the luxury of a Starfleet vessel after the cramped quarters they'd shared on the _Val Jean_ wasn't something to complain about.

The size of this room would have slept, at minimum, eight on their old ship.

'Chakotay, are you even listening to me?' B'Elanna snapped. 'And why are you still wearing that uniform?'

'You don't think it suits me?' he smiled at her.

'How are you so calm?'

That's what he wanted to know.

It had happened somewhere around the moment the Captain had invited him on board and showed instant trust and respect for him as a fellow Captain. She hadn't ordered weapons trained on him, she hadn't told him what to do, she had treated him as her equal, with complete respect.

A Starfleet Captain.

Respecting him.

He'd literally never imagined a scenario where that would happen.

And instantly he had felt some kind of burden lifted from his shoulders, like years of hatred and pent up rage aimed directly at Starfleet had just disappeared into nothingness because of the actions of one Captain.

'There's nothing we can do about it, B'Elanna,' he tried to calm her down. 'If we want to get home, this is our choice.'

'Well it's a stupid choice,' she dropped into the seat opposite him, the pacing finally exhausting her. 'And I don't trust the Captain.'

'I do,' he replied.

B'Elanna snorted and he looked over at her.

'You don't even know the Captain. You just want to sleep with her,' she rolled her eyes at she said it.

'I am still your superior officer, B'Elanna…' he said, suddenly annoyed at her.

'Yes, sir,' she mocked, standing up. 'I'll leave you to fantasize about our new Captain. Don't worry, I won't tell Seska.'

As the door shut behind her, he wondered if she was right. Maybe he did just want to sleep with Captain Janeway. If that was the case he'd just shot himself in the foot, there was no way that she was going to agree to ever sleep with her First Officer.

He smiled to himself.

Even just thinking about her telling him off somehow made him happy.

But it was a new type of happiness, one he wasn't entirely sure he had felt before, one that took over his entire being like a drug, relaxing his muscles, lifting his spirits, leaving its mark in a soft smile on his lips.

He needed to push that feeling away.

It couldn't lead to anything good.

* * *

Year 2.

 _He loved her_.

He wasn't sure why that was the moment, perhaps it was her smile, or the way the sunlight fell in her eyes as she determinedly scanned the horizon for the water source they had detected. Her hair seemed brighter, almost like it had changed colour in the harsh light. There was tinge of pink on her cheeks too, he wasn't sure if it was from the warmth or if they had been in the sun too long, but he liked it.

It made her seem more alive.

'It must be below ground,' she turned to face him, her gaze piercing his, then she paused. 'What?'

His eyes widened and he hurriedly looked down at the data in front of him. 'I was just wondering if we're getting incorrect readings. Perhaps we should just call _Voyager_ to pick us up.'

'Now, where would be the fun in that, Commander?' she smiled at him.

His heart flipped a little in his chest and it felt a little like a dying fish, him trying to squash the feeling as his heart tried to share its excitement at his new realisation.

'Unless you're not feeling well? I was really hoping we could beat Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim's record. You know Paris will never let us live it down if they beat us...'

There was concern in her voice as she asked how he was feeling and he wondered if maybe she felt the same. Surely she couldn't ignore the connection that they had.

 _Damnit Chakotay, hold it together_.

'I'm fine. I was just thinking that surely there was a better way to entertain ourselves while we do repairs,' he smiled. 'Survival training seems like an extreme option.'

'You never know what kind of situation we're going to end up in, Commander,' she returned to scanning the horizon. 'And the holodeck programs have become far too predictable.'

And he returned to watching her.

It wasn't like he had denied to himself that he was attracted to her, but love? He couldn't ever remember having felt this way about someone, where he would rather stay on this dry, arid planet, playing some stupid challenge against the other crew members if it meant having her company.

They lasted another three hours, beating Tom and Harry's record for finding everything on their survival checklist by five minutes, before the heat got too much and they requested being beamed back up to Voyager.

He hesitated outside her quarters as they reached her door and she looked at him, confused.

'Everything all right?' she asked. 'Do you need the Doctor to check you over?'

'I was just wondering if you wanted to grab dinner,' he asked, unable to stand the idea of being separate from her quite yet.

'Sounds preferable to eating alone in my quarters,' she smiled softly. 'Meet you in the mess hall in 30 minutes?'

'Perfect,' he replied.

And he watched as she entered her quarters, unable to push away how happy that made him.

* * *

Year 3.

'Truth or dare, Chakotay,' Harry asked, grinning.

Somehow the party had ended up being Harry, Tom, B'Elanna, Neelix and Kes playing drinking games in Sandrine's. It was Harry's birthday, so it made sense that it was the senior officers left, although it was getting late.

Chakotay had to admit he was slightly disappointed that Kathryn hadn't shown up.

He knew she had a pile of paperwork she was hiding behind, but none of it was urgent and it wasn't like there was anyone to report to. Maybe he needed to check on her…

'Truth,' Chakotay replied. 'Although I think this should probably be my last round.'

There was a chorus of groans from everyone and a disappointed shake of the head from Tom.

'Weak, Chakotay,' Tom teased.

'If you don't watch it I'll have you on an early morning cleaning shift tomorrow,' Chakotay joked.

'You'd have to schedule someone else to re-do the job an hour later, I don't think Tom knows what clean looks like,' B'Elanna took a shot at him.

Tom narrowed his eyes at her, but smiled, shifting slightly closer to her as he did so, putting his feet up on the table. Uncharacteristically, B'Elanna didn't seem to mind. Chakotay watched them with great interest, suddenly aware that there might be something more going on there than he was aware of.

He made a note to ask her about it later.

'Okay,' Harry interrupted. 'Chakotay. If you could go on a date with anyone on this ship, who would it be?'

He felt his insides freeze up. Coming from Harry the question could be entirely innocent, there was a good chance that he didn't suspect anything and therefore didn't have any reason to not ask the question. Although Harry also spent all day on the bridge with them, and he was friends with Tom. So there was equally as good a chance he did have suspicions.

Either way he couldn't answer it, he couldn't tell anyone the truth about his feelings.

He couldn't even tell the person his feelings were directed at.

'I've made that mistake before, Harry,' he replied truthfully. 'In case you don't remember what happened with Seska…'

'Oh come on,' Tom muttered. 'We all know it would be the Captain…'

'What would be the Captain?'

Tom's feet dropped from the table and there was a screech of chair legs against the floor as he hurriedly stood up to face Kathryn.

Chakotay would have laughed at any other time.

But he couldn't.

He was frozen, a deer in headlights.

'Harry wanted to know what position Chakotay would have on the ship if he could steal any job,' B'Elanna answered the question calmly. 'But he didn't want to admit to anything that could be considered mutiny. Right, Commander?'

'That's right,' he replied, meeting Kathryn's gaze as she looked at him.

'So you're playing a game of truth or dare?' she narrowed her eyes at them. 'Any room for the actual Captain at the table, or have you already decided on a mutiny?'

Harry signalled an empty seat. 'Please, join us.'

They managed to get through a few more rounds of the game before everybody packed up and left, leaving Chakotay and Kathryn alone.

'When I walked in, what had they really asked you?' she asked, leaning her head on her hand as she watched him carefully, judging his reaction.

He looked at her directly, taking another sip from his drink and considering his answer.

'I'd want Paris' job, for the record,' he replied. 'I wouldn't give up having you as my Captain for anything. I've told you before that being your First Officer is the best thing that's ever happened to me, it made me a better person, helped me find my place...'

Her eyes searched his for a few moments and he wondered if she understood he was trying to answer her question without any words that could incriminate either of them.

'And I would never sacrifice having you as my First Officer for anything,' she replied. 'I couldn't do this job without you there by my side.'

As he went to sleep that night he couldn't shake the words from his head. He wasn't sure if they were comforting words of a Captain, or an indirect rejection from the woman he loved.

By the time he woke in the morning he had decided it was both.

* * *

Year 4.

He had broken the trust, he knew that, but he missed her and he wanted that feeling of complete and utter harmony between them back.

The problem was to get that back they would have to openly discuss why their fight had hurt their relationship so much, and he wasn't sure they could have that conversation without the inevitable coming up.

Meeting on the holodeck had seemed like the safest option.

He glanced at the time. She was late.

A part of him hoped she had been caught up with work related duties, but then it wouldn't have been so hard for her to contact him and let him know she wouldn't be able to make it.

He had created a safe place for them to have dinner. It was a restaurant he had loved in San Francisco, overlooking the bay, the bridge and Alcatraz sitting in the distance. A lot of Starfleet officers went there for all sorts of things, so he knew she wouldn't read into it too much.

At least he hoped she would recognise it.

There was a good chance she had spent her spare time at Starfleet locked in her quarters, studying.

He smiled to himself at the thought.

'What's so entertaining, Commander?' she asked, taking a seat opposite him.

He looked up in surprise. 'I was just remembering old times.'

'Is that why we're here?' she questioned. 'I have to say, I haven't thought about this place in well over ten years.'

'I guess I was feeling nostalgic,' he replied.

'And I thought you hated Starfleet Academy,' she returned, calling over the waiter.

'You don't want to read the menu?'

She shook her head. 'Chakotay, I know the menu. I practically lived here.'

They ordered dinner and settled into comfortable conversation. He was glad, maybe they could slip back into their old ways without having to discuss what happened when they had first entered Borg space.

As they fell silent he watched her glance across the restaurant, her face soften, a distant glaze crossing her eyes.

'Everything alright, Kathryn?' he asked.

'I used to come here with Justin,' she said simply, looking back at him as she took another sip of wine.

'Justin?'

He assumed it was an ex-boyfriend of hers but she had never mentioned him before. He had always just assumed that Mark was the love of her life, but the way she had said Justin's name was different. It seemed familiar to him somehow, almost as though –

 _It was how she said his name_.

The realisation had him feel unsteady for a moment, unearthing the constant hope that kept him going.

'He was my fiancé,' she replied, her finger tracing the rim of her wine glass, letting off a quiet hum.

He didn't need to ask what had happened, he understood.

Reaching out, he lightly tangled his fingers with hers, carefully guiding her hand from the wine glass down to the table. To his surprise, she didn't fight the action, simply watching his fingers wrapping around hers.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'If I'd known I would have arranged dinner somewhere else.'

'It's okay,' she replied, squeezing his hand lightly. 'I haven't thought about him in years and I had to take a moment when I first got here to collect myself. But it's not your fault, you couldn't have known.'

'You've never mentioned him…'

There were tears in her eyes as she looked up at him. 'I guess having you in my life meant I didn't need to think about him anymore. You remind me of him.'

For a few moments they watched each other over the table, their hands entangled, the casual hangout of a restaurant suddenly seeming far too a romantic setting for the two of them to have dinner alone.

She pulled her hand away from his suddenly and picked up her fork, picking at the leftover food on her plate. He watched her, wondering what she had meant but not wanting to push the topic any further than he already had.

'I miss you,' he said quietly.

She looked at him in surprise, a forkful of beans halfway in her mouth. 'I'm right here, Chakotay.'

'I mean this, spending time together outside of work. I know I put a distance between us by betraying you, but I never wanted to lose what we had…'

'You haven't,' she replied. 'I just needed time to trust you again.'

'And do you?' he asked.

'Absolutely.'

There was no hesitation, no need to think about her response.

He felt relief wash over him, relaxing every fibre of his being and he smiled at her.

'I'm glad.'

'What do you say we watch one of those 20th century movies Tom Paris is always going on about?' she suggested, and he felt her whole demeanour lift.

'Sounds like a great idea.'

He stood up and held a hand out to her. She took it and linked her arm through his, as though they were going to walk somewhere else, rather than simply change programs.

It felt nice, familiar.

Almost like old times.

* * *

Year 5.

She was struggling. They could all tell, and he was surprised it had taken this long for her to hit this wall.

So he wasn't surprised to enter her quarters for dinner one night, only to find her asleep on the sofa, a padd lying next to her head, and two more on the table in front of her waiting to be read. Placing the cider he had brought on the table, he made his way to her side.

'Kathryn?' he spoke softly.

There was no response and he watched as she breathed in and out slowly; she was fast asleep. He wondered when the last time she had actually slept was. He had noted her habit of staying up late and wandering the halls, as though she was checking the ship was okay but also wanted to be left alone.

He seemed to be the only person she really let in anymore and even then he knew she wasn't quite as open with him as she used to be.

Reaching out, he pushed the hair away from her face. It was nice to see her peaceful, at rest, and to his surprise she didn't stir at the movement.

Not wanting to disturb her, he picked up one of the padds from the table, turning it on. It was a report from B'Elanna about their upgrades to the warp core. He read through it quickly. It was basically repeating the information from their briefing that morning.

He replicated a notepad and a pen, and used them to take notes, summarising the information on all three padds and letting her know what needed to be followed up. After about an hour she stirred slightly, rolling over onto her other side.

Smiling, he watched her.

How he wanted this to be his life, staying by her side while she got the proper rest she required, and it hurt him knowing that it wasn't how things were ever going to be.

'Chakotay…' she said quietly.

He started, not expecting her to speak. 'Yes?'

There was no further comment.

She was still asleep.

 _Was she dreaming about him?_

He finished off the work quickly and left his notes next to the padds on the table, then he grabbed a blanket from her room and placed it over her lightly, not wanting to disturb her sleep. She didn't move even the slightest.

Temptation to kiss her on the forehead was strong, but he knew it would be inappropriate. The fact he had just spent somewhere north of sixty minutes sitting next to his sleeping Captain, doing her work, was probably inappropriate enough.

She called him into her Ready Room first thing in the morning and for a moment he feared he was in trouble.

'I woke up this morning with a blanket over me, my work done and an unopened bottle of Antarian cider sitting on the table…' she took as a seat as she spoke. 'It appears I may have fallen asleep before you came over for dinner last night.'

'You were out like a light,' he replied.

'And you did my work?' she seemed confused.

'I didn't want you to wake up at 0200 and decide it was something you still had to finish,' he explained.

She smiled. 'Thank you. I think I really needed to sleep.'

He nodded and was about to leave when he paused, needing to ask one more thing.

'Just out of curiosity, what were you dreaming about?' he asked.

He watched as she thought about it for a moment, then her cheeks flushed slightly and she glanced down at the work in front of her.

'I don't remember,' she replied.

'You said my name in your sleep,' he smiled as he spoke, knowing he was embarrassing her.

Her eyes shot up to look at him, panic in them. 'What else did I say?'

'Nothing else,' he replied, standing up. 'I hope it was a good dream, Captain.'

He turned and left, happy in knowing she had inappropriate dreams about him, but his heart sinking at the knowledge that was all they were ever going to be for her.

Dreams.

* * *

Year 6.

He was happy for her to have a hologram to entertain herself, but he missed her. Her spare time now spent on the holodeck, rather than with him.

It took him a few weeks to notice what was missing from his life, suddenly he had all these free hours and no idea what to do with them.

It was when she forgot to show up to dinner that he realised he may have actually lost her to a fictional creation.

Only slightly annoyed, he made his way to Holodeck One. At least he knew where to find her.

And there she was, sitting in the corner of her holo-boyfriend's pub, reading some kind of Irish poetry book. It only took the image of her sitting there, smiling, for his anger to fade. He hadn't seen her so happy in years, and while he wished it was him who could be there for her, he knew better.

He watched as Michael Sullivan walked over to her table, placing a glass of wine in front of her.

Looking up from her book she smiled thanks to him, then her eyes fell on Chakotay.

The smile she gave him was so similar to the one she had just given Michael that it hurt.

'Chakotay! Come and join us for a drink,' she beckoned him over.

He made his way to the table and nodded politely at Michael. 'I'm sorry to intrude.'

'Not at all!' Michael indicated the chair opposite Kathryn. 'I'll grab another chair for myself.'

As he stepped away to grab another chair, she turned to Chakotay, her eyes wide.

'I forgot dinner! Oh Chakotay, I'm so sorry, I was reading and I lost track of time…'

'It's okay, I'm happy to come here and spend time with you and your boyfriend,' he replied. 'As long as there's something I can eat. I'm hungry.'

'You waited for me?' she asked, seemingly surprised.

'Always.'

He watched her face soften as he said it, Michael taking a seat between them and ruining the chance that conversation was going to go any further.

'And what brings you to my bar on this fine evening?' Michael asked.

'I was actually here to find Kathryn, I hadn't seen her for a while, although now I understand why,' he said to Michael.

Michael smiled, putting his arm around Kathryn.

It was all fake, but it still made him uncomfortable, knowing that she was here, spending all this time with this holo-character. He had been happy for her at first but it had gone on much longer than he had expected.

He had assumed she was there for the sex, but watching them it seemed like perhaps it was love she was in dire need of.

Her eyes stayed glued to Chakotay's as Michael kissed her lightly on the cheek.

As the irrational jealousy surged through him he knew that this hologram now filled the hole in her life that he had been so conveniently filling for the past six years.

And despite it being fake, it was tugging at his heart in a way he had hoped never to feel again.

They'd become so comfortable with each other that he'd not thought he was ever going to have to be jealous of someone else. He had been so convinced that the only thing keeping them apart was their ranks that he had convinced himself all it would take was getting home to Earth and they would be together. In his mind there was no question about it.

Or at least there hadn't been until now.

And he couldn't remember the last time she had said anything to him that would indicate she still had feelings for him. In fact he wasn't entirely sure she had ever said anything to actually confirm she felt more than friendship for him…

Maybe he had been reading everything wrong.

'…what do you think?' Michael was smiling at him cheerily.

He stood up. 'I should go. Sorry to have interrupted your evening.'

And he bolted from the Holodeck as fast as he could without looking suspicious to anyone else.

She appeared at his door a few minutes after he made it back to his quarters, still dressed in her costume, fake hair in to make it seem longer.

He had missed her long hair.

'Chakotay, what's wrong?' she asked as the door shut behind her.

'Nothing,' he replied. 'I'm happy for you.'

'He's a hologram,' she folded her arms, seemingly annoyed. 'You're the one who told me I should do this.'

'I thought you wanted to have sex with him, I didn't realise you were going to fall in love with him,' Chakotay regretted the words the moment they left his mouth.

From the shock on her face it's not what she had expected him to say either.

Taking a few steps forward, she placed her hand lightly on his chest.

'I'm not in love with him, he's just a fantasy,' she spoke quietly. 'One I'm allowed to have.'

'I'm know,' he reached up and took her hand in his, still holding it against his chest. 'It's just that he's taking all your time away from me.'

'Chakotay…'

He pulled her hand up to his lips and lightly pressed a kiss on her hand, closing his eyes and cherishing the moment, knowing it may cross the invisible line she had so clearly drawn between them, but not sure he cared anymore.

'I'll leave you alone when you're on the holodeck,' he said quietly, opening his to meet her uncertain gaze.

He let her hand drop back to her side and turned away, unable to look at her any longer for fear that he would well and truly step over that damn line.

'I promise I won't miss dinner again,' she replied.

 _Great_. _He gets every night and I get one dinner_.

But he didn't say it out loud. He'd said enough.

Turning back to face her he only had one more thing to say to her that night.

'Goodnight Kathryn.'

She took the cue and left.

They never mentioned it again.

* * *

Year 7.

It was their final year in the Delta Quadrant that he gave up. He could pinpoint the moment, too.

' _For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well. So I've been wondering, just how close do we get?'_

' _Let's just say there are some barriers we never cross.'_

She had wanted there to be more between them then, that Janeway, the one he had first met when he boarded the ship seemed to see everything in their relationship that he did. Somehow, despite only knowing him for a short time, she had read him like a book and knew exactly how he felt about her and she seemed open to that idea.

And the one he had returned to had built her walls up so high he instantly knew they were impenetrable, no matter how hard he tried.

It was a particularly quiet evening that he found himself replaying all the moments in his mind where he had stood in front of her, telling her that she wasn't alone, that he was there and he wonders how loudly he needs to shout it before she hears him.

So that's probably why he was standing at her door at 0200, more than a bottle of whiskey down, using the doorway to prop himself up.

She seemed confused when the door slid open.

'Commander, is everything – ' she stopped. 'Chakotay, are you drunk?'

He didn't respond, he didn't have any words to say. She knew the answer to the question or she wouldn't have asked it.

'You're not going to let me in, are you?' he asked.

'I was sleeping…' she replied, folding her arms protectively across her chest.

'I'm not talking about your quarters, Kathryn,' he whispered, and he felt as though his emotions were constricting his throat, making it hard to breath and almost impossible to form words.

'Chakotay…'

'I love you, but you don't love me…' he barely hears the words himself.

And she seems to stop breathing as he says it.

The silence engulfs them as they stand in the doorway, shock written all over her face, and he can feel the tears welling up inside him. He tries to push them away as he watches her arms loosen and fall to her side. She stands up straight and he knows she's trying to look like a Captain, but all he can see is the woman who's broken his heart over and over.

'What?' her question is equally as quiet.

He doesn't repeat it.

He can't.

He's not even sure why he said it in the first place.

'It doesn't matter,' he turns to leave and she grabs his hand, pulling him back to her.

'I never said that,' she speaks sternly and he can see the wall is still up.

'You didn't have to,' he shot back.

'Chakotay, you know I can't….'

'That's an excuse and you know it,' he snapped. 'If you felt about me the way I feel about you there's no way you would ever be able to say those words. So my question is answered, Captain. Goodnight.'

Pulling his hand away from hers he stormed back to his quarters, securing the door behind him before sitting down on the floor, his back leaning against the door, shoulders shaking as the tears flowed freely.

The next day she cautiously greeted him as he entered the Bridge, and he avoided making eye contact, despite feeling her watching him all morning.

Two could build walls around their hearts.

He just wished he had built his earlier.

Saved himself seven years of pain.

'I'll be in my Ready Room. You have the Bridge, Commander.'

He met her eye for the first time as she stood up. She tried a small smile, but he didn't return it and faster than it had appeared the smile was gone, her mask back up. He watched as she retreated into her Ready Room. For a moment he felt guilt at knowingly hurting her feelings, but he tried to remind himself she had hurt him far worse.

Maybe if he'd known how close to Earth they were he would have chosen differently.

But he couldn't do it anymore.


End file.
